XVII
What is this crop that's spreading
Across our countryside -
Burying our green and pleasant land
Beneath a yellow tide.
Our landscape is soothing and gentle
And greenly refined,
Acres of aggressive yellow
Aggravate the mind.
A few splashes of colour
Brighten up the scene,
Mile after mile of strident lemon
Makes your senses reel.
But - when summer weather
Is dismal, drear and chill
It's a patch of captured sunshine
On a distant hill.
Written 25.5.88
(M1 - return from Cosford Air Museum)
Friday, 11 March 2011
TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR, HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE.
XVI
With modern telescopes
We need wonder no more,
As massive new refractors
The heavens now explore.
You could be a pulsar,
Giant red or dwarf white,
An exploding supernova -
The astrologers' delight.
Perhaps you are a binary -
A comet from afar;
Or one of our own planets,
An ancient wandering star.
Could you be an asteroid
Or a distant sun?
Neutron star or nebula?
You could be any one.
Things were so much simpler
Centuries ago,
When a star was just a twinkling light
After the sunset glow.
Written February 1990
With modern telescopes
We need wonder no more,
As massive new refractors
The heavens now explore.
You could be a pulsar,
Giant red or dwarf white,
An exploding supernova -
The astrologers' delight.
Perhaps you are a binary -
A comet from afar;
Or one of our own planets,
An ancient wandering star.
Could you be an asteroid
Or a distant sun?
Neutron star or nebula?
You could be any one.
Things were so much simpler
Centuries ago,
When a star was just a twinkling light
After the sunset glow.
Written February 1990
Thursday, 10 March 2011
THE EASTER PARADE
XV
In olden days a few holy men
Would mortify their flesh in various ways
In modern, sinful England everybody does it -
It's called The Easter Holidays.
The penitents are up before the sunrise
Some don't even stop to break their fast,
Then spend hours immobile on the motorway,
It's a form of penance unsurpassed.
When finally they reach their destination,
Tired and hungry - full of woe,
Every parking place has been taken,
There really is nowhere they can go.
After the flesh has been tormented
With chilly winds and frequent freezing rain,
The homeward journey still awaits the sinner -
The modern version of the whip and chain.
The Almighty must have a sense of humour,
For, after weeks of warmth and sun
He switches back to winter over Easter,
To give the masochists some extra fun.
Those who have been really sinful
Have to take their holidays abroad.
Hours of painful suffering await them,
But they know it is their just reward.
Sometimes an airport is fog-bound
Or foreign air controllers are on strike,
Exhausted children whine and fret and grizzle
As boring day turns into boring night.
At last the nation's sins are fully purged
And everyone is back at work again,
By the time Easter comes round once more
We'll have forgotton all this stress and strain.
Written 15.4.1990
(One of my favourites)
In olden days a few holy men
Would mortify their flesh in various ways
In modern, sinful England everybody does it -
It's called The Easter Holidays.
The penitents are up before the sunrise
Some don't even stop to break their fast,
Then spend hours immobile on the motorway,
It's a form of penance unsurpassed.
When finally they reach their destination,
Tired and hungry - full of woe,
Every parking place has been taken,
There really is nowhere they can go.
After the flesh has been tormented
With chilly winds and frequent freezing rain,
The homeward journey still awaits the sinner -
The modern version of the whip and chain.
The Almighty must have a sense of humour,
For, after weeks of warmth and sun
He switches back to winter over Easter,
To give the masochists some extra fun.
Those who have been really sinful
Have to take their holidays abroad.
Hours of painful suffering await them,
But they know it is their just reward.
Sometimes an airport is fog-bound
Or foreign air controllers are on strike,
Exhausted children whine and fret and grizzle
As boring day turns into boring night.
At last the nation's sins are fully purged
And everyone is back at work again,
By the time Easter comes round once more
We'll have forgotton all this stress and strain.
Written 15.4.1990
(One of my favourites)
MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL
XIV
One thing you must get rid of
As you get more mature
Is that full length mirror
Inside your bathroom door.
We are now dependent on
The girdle maker's skill,
For once you get past fifty
Everything that can droop - will.
If you must have a bathroom mirror
Don't look at yourself in the nude.
Avert your gaze - look elsewhere
It doesn't mean you're a prude.
Your body still looks youthful
When viewed from the top,
But when it's seen in profile
You notice signs of drop.
I'm talking about average women
Not those who are bone and skin.
In the war between muscle and gravity
You know that the latter will win.
If you are a masochist
And a quick look you cannot resist,
Be patient - try to wait until
Your mirror's steamed over with mist.
If the mirror still draws your eye
Take this advice from me:
Raise your arms above your head
And a much slimmer view you will see!
Written December 1987
One thing you must get rid of
As you get more mature
Is that full length mirror
Inside your bathroom door.
We are now dependent on
The girdle maker's skill,
For once you get past fifty
Everything that can droop - will.
If you must have a bathroom mirror
Don't look at yourself in the nude.
Avert your gaze - look elsewhere
It doesn't mean you're a prude.
Your body still looks youthful
When viewed from the top,
But when it's seen in profile
You notice signs of drop.
I'm talking about average women
Not those who are bone and skin.
In the war between muscle and gravity
You know that the latter will win.
If you are a masochist
And a quick look you cannot resist,
Be patient - try to wait until
Your mirror's steamed over with mist.
If the mirror still draws your eye
Take this advice from me:
Raise your arms above your head
And a much slimmer view you will see!
Written December 1987
I FEEL SO SORRY FOR MEN
XIII
You can't help feeling sorry for men
In these female liberated days,
Their lives have changed considerably
In so many different ways.
Their children disagree with them
And what is more
No longer are they patriarchs
Whose every word is law.
Victorian men believed a woman
Was a simple little soul -
A well looked after husband
Was her major goal.
How men must long for the Good Old days
When women knew their place
As suppliers of domestic comfort -
A lower serving race.
Written in October 1990
You can't help feeling sorry for men
In these female liberated days,
Their lives have changed considerably
In so many different ways.
Their children disagree with them
And what is more
No longer are they patriarchs
Whose every word is law.
Victorian men believed a woman
Was a simple little soul -
A well looked after husband
Was her major goal.
How men must long for the Good Old days
When women knew their place
As suppliers of domestic comfort -
A lower serving race.
Written in October 1990
NATURE RULES OUR PLANET
XII
We humans like to think that we
Control our destiny,
We dam our mighty rivers -
And reclaim land from the sea.
We tamper with genetics
And change the DNA
We think that mankind benefits
So that is quite o.k.
Our scientists are brilliant -
By manipulating genes
We've plants that poison insects
And brightly glowing greens.
Nature views our efforts
With a smile upon her face
And when she thinks we've gone too far
She puts us in her place.
When she wants to let us know
Just what she can do
She flicks her little finger
And violent quakes ensue.
A gentle sigh from her
And gales and cyclones blow -
And when she weeps at Mankind's ways
Foaming torrents flow.
So though we like to think that we
Control our destiny,
Our planet's rulers really are
The rivers, the sky and the sea.
Written July 1990
We humans like to think that we
Control our destiny,
We dam our mighty rivers -
And reclaim land from the sea.
We tamper with genetics
And change the DNA
We think that mankind benefits
So that is quite o.k.
Our scientists are brilliant -
By manipulating genes
We've plants that poison insects
And brightly glowing greens.
Nature views our efforts
With a smile upon her face
And when she thinks we've gone too far
She puts us in her place.
When she wants to let us know
Just what she can do
She flicks her little finger
And violent quakes ensue.
A gentle sigh from her
And gales and cyclones blow -
And when she weeps at Mankind's ways
Foaming torrents flow.
So though we like to think that we
Control our destiny,
Our planet's rulers really are
The rivers, the sky and the sea.
Written July 1990
THE SECRET LIFE OF THE SOCK
XI
Is there some place, somewhere
That old socks go to die -
A celestial hosiery heaven,
Or the sock drawer in the sky?
The widowed partner will now lead
A solitary life
For odd socks seldom find another
Husband or wife.
Sometimes a sock will vanish
And I won't see it for years,
But if I throw its mate away
It promptly re-appears.
If socks won't stay together
Until they're both worn through,
I have thought of something
Else that I can do.
I will buy a dozen pairs
Exactly the same;
A flourishing sock commune
Is my eventual aim.
If my breeding programme
Goes as I have planned,
Every year another clutch
Of socks should come to hand.
And if their life is happy
Beneath the skirts and frocks
I hope I'll never need to buy
Another pair of socks.
June 1990
Is there some place, somewhere
That old socks go to die -
A celestial hosiery heaven,
Or the sock drawer in the sky?
The widowed partner will now lead
A solitary life
For odd socks seldom find another
Husband or wife.
Sometimes a sock will vanish
And I won't see it for years,
But if I throw its mate away
It promptly re-appears.
If socks won't stay together
Until they're both worn through,
I have thought of something
Else that I can do.
I will buy a dozen pairs
Exactly the same;
A flourishing sock commune
Is my eventual aim.
If my breeding programme
Goes as I have planned,
Every year another clutch
Of socks should come to hand.
And if their life is happy
Beneath the skirts and frocks
I hope I'll never need to buy
Another pair of socks.
June 1990
WISH YOU WERE HERE
X
Exotic foreign holidays
Are great to look back on
When your life's returned to normal
And your dysentery has gone.
Getting there is stressful
You just cannot relax
With overbooking problems
And the excess baggage tax.
At journey's end you're faced with
Dirt, disease and flies,
As scenes of abject poverty
Assault your sheltered eyes.
Though you are on holiday
Your problems never end:
How much money should you keep?
How much should you spend?
Your journey home again
Is also very fraught
As you try to fit in
The unwanted gifts you've bought.
But when you view your pictures,
Or your slides upon the screen
You really do appreciate
The places that you've seen.
So instead of going on holiday
How much simpler it would be
To hire some travel videos
And watch them on TV.
March 1990
Exotic foreign holidays
Are great to look back on
When your life's returned to normal
And your dysentery has gone.
Getting there is stressful
You just cannot relax
With overbooking problems
And the excess baggage tax.
At journey's end you're faced with
Dirt, disease and flies,
As scenes of abject poverty
Assault your sheltered eyes.
Though you are on holiday
Your problems never end:
How much money should you keep?
How much should you spend?
Your journey home again
Is also very fraught
As you try to fit in
The unwanted gifts you've bought.
But when you view your pictures,
Or your slides upon the screen
You really do appreciate
The places that you've seen.
So instead of going on holiday
How much simpler it would be
To hire some travel videos
And watch them on TV.
March 1990
PACKAGE PEOPLE
IX
The people for whom they make
The modern aircraft seat
Must be thin, with narrow hips,
Short legs and little feet.
Supple shoulders are a must
So that one can eat
And still avoid the passenger
In the neighbouring seat.
The charming girl suggest that we
"Sit back - enjoy the flight."
But that isn't easy when
Your seat is bolt upright.
Every seat designer
Should be made to fly
Around the world (Economy Class)
To give his seats a try.
Written on a London to Sydney flight
December 1989
The people for whom they make
The modern aircraft seat
Must be thin, with narrow hips,
Short legs and little feet.
Supple shoulders are a must
So that one can eat
And still avoid the passenger
In the neighbouring seat.
The charming girl suggest that we
"Sit back - enjoy the flight."
But that isn't easy when
Your seat is bolt upright.
Every seat designer
Should be made to fly
Around the world (Economy Class)
To give his seats a try.
Written on a London to Sydney flight
December 1989
DAWN
VIII
I love going out at first light
When everything is still
And the roads are lined with sleeping cars
In the early morning chill.
The windows are all frosted
With an icy opaque glaze
As the waking sun struggles through
Veils of misty haze.
Spiders' webs are picked out
With beads of diamond dew
And the eastern sky's a-blush with
An embarrassed rosy hue.
On the lawn are scattered
Glistening rainbow-bright gems;
Now sapphire, now emerald, now ruby
They tremble on slim grassy stems.
As dawn is such a lovely time
I do wish I knew why
I seldom seem to get outside
'Till the sun is fairly high.
April 1988
I love going out at first light
When everything is still
And the roads are lined with sleeping cars
In the early morning chill.
The windows are all frosted
With an icy opaque glaze
As the waking sun struggles through
Veils of misty haze.
Spiders' webs are picked out
With beads of diamond dew
And the eastern sky's a-blush with
An embarrassed rosy hue.
On the lawn are scattered
Glistening rainbow-bright gems;
Now sapphire, now emerald, now ruby
They tremble on slim grassy stems.
As dawn is such a lovely time
I do wish I knew why
I seldom seem to get outside
'Till the sun is fairly high.
April 1988
Thursday, 3 March 2011
THE EXTENSION OF ENGLISH
VII
We say "ab-so-lut-ely"
When what we mean is "yes"
Four syllables have more emphasis
Than a single one - I guess.
And instead of "now" we say
"At this moment in time"
Padding out a sentence
Is not a grammatical crime.
"I myself am of the opinion ..."
What's wrong with "I think"
Its meaning is the same -
It's short - and it's succinct.
"There you go..." - "I mean to say" -
"You know what I mean"
All common pointless phrases
That dot the vocal scene.
English can be a concise language
But in recent years there's been a trend
To use six words where one would do
And every sentence extend.
Are these meaningless words used
Because we are so vexed
By the savage abbreviations
Of the world of text?
May 2007
We say "ab-so-lut-ely"
When what we mean is "yes"
Four syllables have more emphasis
Than a single one - I guess.
And instead of "now" we say
"At this moment in time"
Padding out a sentence
Is not a grammatical crime.
"I myself am of the opinion ..."
What's wrong with "I think"
Its meaning is the same -
It's short - and it's succinct.
"There you go..." - "I mean to say" -
"You know what I mean"
All common pointless phrases
That dot the vocal scene.
English can be a concise language
But in recent years there's been a trend
To use six words where one would do
And every sentence extend.
Are these meaningless words used
Because we are so vexed
By the savage abbreviations
Of the world of text?
May 2007
DO WHAT WE TELL YOU - NOT WHAT WE DO.
VI
Everything must now be "green"
It is the new buzz word
That on newspapers and TV screens
Is constantly seen and heard.
But it is ordinary folk
Who have to bear the strain,
For we are told to walk, cycle
Or go by bus and train.
"Use public transport all the time"
Is what environmentalists say.
Have they ever tried to carry
A week's shopping this way?
To ensure their security
MPs need gas-guzzlers large;
Some drive around in one jag
With a spare one in the garage.
To save on fuel we are told
We shouldn't fly or drive,
So is it only Ministers
Who will use Terminal Five?
Written August 2007
Everything must now be "green"
It is the new buzz word
That on newspapers and TV screens
Is constantly seen and heard.
But it is ordinary folk
Who have to bear the strain,
For we are told to walk, cycle
Or go by bus and train.
"Use public transport all the time"
Is what environmentalists say.
Have they ever tried to carry
A week's shopping this way?
To ensure their security
MPs need gas-guzzlers large;
Some drive around in one jag
With a spare one in the garage.
To save on fuel we are told
We shouldn't fly or drive,
So is it only Ministers
Who will use Terminal Five?
Written August 2007
THE THINGS WE TAKE FOR GRANTED
v
When I was fit and young
Perfect vision had I -
Could read signs at a distance
Spot a bird soaring high in the sky.
Of course I took it for granted
Never once did I think or say:
Isn't it great - I'm so lucky,
I can see so well today.
Maturity gradually took its toll,
My sight was not quite so keen,
But I could still see everything
That needed to be seen.
When I reached my fifties
I was surprised to discover
That writing got smaller and fainter
On every packet and cover.
I knew I needed glasses
When I found myself in a trap:
I was driving in London one evening
And I couldn't read the map.
My glasses have slowly got stronger
And now I've reached the stage
When without them I cannot see
What is printed on the page.
If I tread this earth again,
Will I remember to be
Grateful for youthful good health
And being able to hear and see?
Probably not!
When I was fit and young
Perfect vision had I -
Could read signs at a distance
Spot a bird soaring high in the sky.
Of course I took it for granted
Never once did I think or say:
Isn't it great - I'm so lucky,
I can see so well today.
Maturity gradually took its toll,
My sight was not quite so keen,
But I could still see everything
That needed to be seen.
When I reached my fifties
I was surprised to discover
That writing got smaller and fainter
On every packet and cover.
I knew I needed glasses
When I found myself in a trap:
I was driving in London one evening
And I couldn't read the map.
My glasses have slowly got stronger
And now I've reached the stage
When without them I cannot see
What is printed on the page.
If I tread this earth again,
Will I remember to be
Grateful for youthful good health
And being able to hear and see?
Probably not!
THE I.T. REVOLUTION
IV
Humans have always been
Keen to communicate;
Cave paintings and pictograms -
Cuneiform - chalk on slate.
When Caxton started printing books
For ordinary folk to read
Did he know that he'd planted
A revolutionary IT seed?
And as we embark upon
The 21st century
Supersonic speed is reached
In Information Technology.
Broadband is de rigeur
For a modern machine
And tera-bytes will soon be here
For the really keen.
Google - Skype - web-cam -
It's great when they're o.k.
But even a sophisticated computer
Can have an odd off-day.
When it just will not work
You very soon reach a stage -
(Past annoyance and anger)
Of all-consuming rage.
The same statement appears again
And again - no less - no more,
Until you could smash it up
Or throw it on the floor.
I thump the keys and curse it -
It remains passive, but unbowed.
Computers are superior beings
And they're not easily cowed.
I threaten to get rid of it,
To throw it out and then
Return to the stress-free calm
Of parchment and quill pen!
(Of course I don't really mean it)
To Helen (with many thanks)
Humans have always been
Keen to communicate;
Cave paintings and pictograms -
Cuneiform - chalk on slate.
When Caxton started printing books
For ordinary folk to read
Did he know that he'd planted
A revolutionary IT seed?
And as we embark upon
The 21st century
Supersonic speed is reached
In Information Technology.
Broadband is de rigeur
For a modern machine
And tera-bytes will soon be here
For the really keen.
Google - Skype - web-cam -
It's great when they're o.k.
But even a sophisticated computer
Can have an odd off-day.
When it just will not work
You very soon reach a stage -
(Past annoyance and anger)
Of all-consuming rage.
The same statement appears again
And again - no less - no more,
Until you could smash it up
Or throw it on the floor.
I thump the keys and curse it -
It remains passive, but unbowed.
Computers are superior beings
And they're not easily cowed.
I threaten to get rid of it,
To throw it out and then
Return to the stress-free calm
Of parchment and quill pen!
(Of course I don't really mean it)
To Helen (with many thanks)
HEATHROW AND SNOW
IV
Why is a modern airport
Like London's Heathrow
Reduced to abject helplessness
By a couple of inches of snow?
We send probes to Jupiter and Saturn
To study their moons and rings
But a slight snowfall at Heathrow
Absolute and utter chaos brings,
I sympathise with would-be passengers
Trapped in the terminal cage
Emotions very soon go past
The resigned and tolerant stage.
* * * * *
But ... the air was pure and clear -
Not a contrail in sight,
All was calm and peaceful
The birds sang with delight.
The local people could enjoy
A good night's sleep - uninterrupted
They haven't had such a quiet night
Since Iceland's volcano erupted.
* * * * *
We knew that Saint Andrew
Had answered the passengers' cry
When his flag - crossed white contrails -
Appeared in a clear blue sky.
January 2011
Why is a modern airport
Like London's Heathrow
Reduced to abject helplessness
By a couple of inches of snow?
We send probes to Jupiter and Saturn
To study their moons and rings
But a slight snowfall at Heathrow
Absolute and utter chaos brings,
I sympathise with would-be passengers
Trapped in the terminal cage
Emotions very soon go past
The resigned and tolerant stage.
* * * * *
But ... the air was pure and clear -
Not a contrail in sight,
All was calm and peaceful
The birds sang with delight.
The local people could enjoy
A good night's sleep - uninterrupted
They haven't had such a quiet night
Since Iceland's volcano erupted.
* * * * *
We knew that Saint Andrew
Had answered the passengers' cry
When his flag - crossed white contrails -
Appeared in a clear blue sky.
January 2011
THE KITCHEN
III
I walked into my kitchen
That I'd cleaned the day before
And, as I looked around
A nasty shock was in store.
The work surfaces were grimy,
There were smudges on the door
The window frames were grubby
There were breadcrumbs on the floor.
I wondered how I'd missed the dirt
How the grime had not been seen
Then I took my glasses off
And my kitchen was pristine!
March 2011
I walked into my kitchen
That I'd cleaned the day before
And, as I looked around
A nasty shock was in store.
The work surfaces were grimy,
There were smudges on the door
The window frames were grubby
There were breadcrumbs on the floor.
I wondered how I'd missed the dirt
How the grime had not been seen
Then I took my glasses off
And my kitchen was pristine!
March 2011
Monday, 28 February 2011
COOKERY BOOKS VS READY-MADE
II
Modern bookshops and libraries
Have miles of cookery books
Written by a wide variety
Of well known celebrity cooks.
The background information is great
The pictures - mouthwatering - sublime
But to acquire the exotic ingredients
Is expensive - in money and time.
Spices should be used sparingly -
A pinch - a few threads - a grate;
Then they move to the back of the cupboard
'Till they well past their sell by date
It all looked so simple on TV
But I am forced to confess
It wasn't worth all the effort
And the kitchen's a terrible mess.
In spite of the programmes and books
It really is no surprise
That the sale of ready-made meals
Continues to rise.
Modern bookshops and libraries
Have miles of cookery books
Written by a wide variety
Of well known celebrity cooks.
The background information is great
The pictures - mouthwatering - sublime
But to acquire the exotic ingredients
Is expensive - in money and time.
Spices should be used sparingly -
A pinch - a few threads - a grate;
Then they move to the back of the cupboard
'Till they well past their sell by date
It all looked so simple on TV
But I am forced to confess
It wasn't worth all the effort
And the kitchen's a terrible mess.
In spite of the programmes and books
It really is no surprise
That the sale of ready-made meals
Continues to rise.
The electronic age
THE ELECTRONIC AGE
Computers are wonderful
When they're working well,
But when they crash and die
It's a frustrating hell.
We are drawn in gradually
Stage by gentle stage
Until we are stuck fast
In the electronic age.
I buy my food on line
Christmas presents too,
Book holidays - print tickets
It's so easy to do.
I email all my friends
Go on Facebook - and Tweet
Will on-line dating find
The perfect man I've yet to meet?
I check my page constantly
The lure I cannot resist,
Without input from hundreds of friends
I fear I may cease to exist.
If my computer crashes
I'm distraught - I'm bereft -
I'm incommunicado,
Of my life there's nothing left.
I cannot Tweet on Twitter
Or check my Facebook page
I haven't heard from friends
For hours - for me that is an age.
When the electronic era started
I never would have predicted
That I could be completely hooked,
So hopelessly addicted.
Computers are wonderful
When they're working well,
But when they crash and die
It's a frustrating hell.
We are drawn in gradually
Stage by gentle stage
Until we are stuck fast
In the electronic age.
I buy my food on line
Christmas presents too,
Book holidays - print tickets
It's so easy to do.
I email all my friends
Go on Facebook - and Tweet
Will on-line dating find
The perfect man I've yet to meet?
I check my page constantly
The lure I cannot resist,
Without input from hundreds of friends
I fear I may cease to exist.
If my computer crashes
I'm distraught - I'm bereft -
I'm incommunicado,
Of my life there's nothing left.
I cannot Tweet on Twitter
Or check my Facebook page
I haven't heard from friends
For hours - for me that is an age.
When the electronic era started
I never would have predicted
That I could be completely hooked,
So hopelessly addicted.
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