XCVII (97)
It's all your fault Prince Albert -
We have you to thank for this mess.
Our erstwhile green and shining fir tree
Can now be seen to possess ...
About half its original needles
And I know where the missing ones are:
Embedded in all the carpets,
In every room - and the car.
The English never liked Albert
Because of his Germanic roots,
They never fully appreciated
His many intellectual attributes.
Science and music were his interests,
But nobody cared about that,
So he inroduced the Christmas tree
In order to get his own back
Albert's revenge is still with us,
For as Christmas draws near
Houses are full of family,
Friends and seasonal cheer.
The average household is crowded
So what do people do?
Bring in a great big fir tree -
Some prickly holly boughs too.
The tree sits there - green and glossy
With fairy lights all aglow
But soon the warming effects of
Central heating start to show.
Every day the quantity
Of needle drop gets worse
And dogs and people help them
To spread and to disperse.
Even after twelfth night
It's not the end - I fear,
For weeks dead pine needles
Continue to appear.
To beat Prince Albert's curse
The only real remedy
Is to go and buy yourself
A needle-less, plastic pine tree.
December 2011
Wednesday 28 December 2011
Tuesday 20 December 2011
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
XCVI (96) (This is my favourite verse.)
A sweet bird-loving country girl
Won the heart of a noble Lord.
His family did not approve
And hoped he'd soon get bored.
He sent his love a partridge
In a Conference pear tree
(At least that's what he said it was
As no leaves could he see.)
Two turtle doves then winged their way
Pursued by three French hens.
Four calling birds brought up the rear
Low flying o'er the glens.
But when he gave her five gold rings
Part of his family wealth,
They knew the time had come to act
With guile and secret stealth.
They said "to win your love
With large birds you must woo her."
Six laying geese and seven swans
Soon found their way to her.
He had no message from his love -
"Send servants" said his mother,
So he despatched eight milking maids
He'd borrowed from his brother.
"Send her men" his uncle urged,
Some nobles would be nice,
Nine lords leapt with alacrity
Before he could ask twice.
"Try music" urged his sister,
So the amorous young man
Sent drummers and dancers
And the pipes of the next door clan.
Those pipers were the final straw,
No more could she take,
Their riotious carousing
Had kept the maid awake.
Her family grew quite desperate
They knew not what to say,
They watched their farm deteriorate
With every passing day.
The swans were hissing at the geese
The drummers and pipers were fighting
The lords and ladies gaily danced
On next year's crop alighting
The maid returned the noble's gifts,
Thank you my Lord" said she,
I've only kept the partridge -
And it was a damson tree.
But one of your young drummer boys
Prefers this country life,
So he is going to stay behind
And I'm to be his wife.
1.1.1989
A sweet bird-loving country girl
Won the heart of a noble Lord.
His family did not approve
And hoped he'd soon get bored.
He sent his love a partridge
In a Conference pear tree
(At least that's what he said it was
As no leaves could he see.)
Two turtle doves then winged their way
Pursued by three French hens.
Four calling birds brought up the rear
Low flying o'er the glens.
But when he gave her five gold rings
Part of his family wealth,
They knew the time had come to act
With guile and secret stealth.
They said "to win your love
With large birds you must woo her."
Six laying geese and seven swans
Soon found their way to her.
He had no message from his love -
"Send servants" said his mother,
So he despatched eight milking maids
He'd borrowed from his brother.
"Send her men" his uncle urged,
Some nobles would be nice,
Nine lords leapt with alacrity
Before he could ask twice.
"Try music" urged his sister,
So the amorous young man
Sent drummers and dancers
And the pipes of the next door clan.
Those pipers were the final straw,
No more could she take,
Their riotious carousing
Had kept the maid awake.
Her family grew quite desperate
They knew not what to say,
They watched their farm deteriorate
With every passing day.
The swans were hissing at the geese
The drummers and pipers were fighting
The lords and ladies gaily danced
On next year's crop alighting
The maid returned the noble's gifts,
Thank you my Lord" said she,
I've only kept the partridge -
And it was a damson tree.
But one of your young drummer boys
Prefers this country life,
So he is going to stay behind
And I'm to be his wife.
1.1.1989
Tuesday 6 December 2011
CHRISTMAS ROUND ROBIN
XCV (95)
Every year at Christmas
Newsletters start to appear
And many circular swallows
Will be heading for me - I fear.
They're written in the third person.
Why should this be so?
Is there a round-robin etiquette
Of which I do not know?
###########
Jack and Jill have been working hard
(It's always the same)
Then they go and drop in
An unfamiliar name.
New Year saw the family
Skiing on Swiss mountain slopes.
Jill's a devoted and caring mum
It's amazing how well she copes.
The children excel at music and sport
They are extremely bright kids,
Jack's laptop came along too
For urgent business bids.
Jack and Jill jetted off to the Maldives
For some quality time together
Relaxing and unwinding -
They could rely on the weather.
Well, that's all from us,
We're spending Christmas in Spain -
Looking forward to all your news
I'll write next year again.
p.s. Happy Christmas!
Every year at Christmas
Newsletters start to appear
And many circular swallows
Will be heading for me - I fear.
They're written in the third person.
Why should this be so?
Is there a round-robin etiquette
Of which I do not know?
###########
Jack and Jill have been working hard
(It's always the same)
Then they go and drop in
An unfamiliar name.
New Year saw the family
Skiing on Swiss mountain slopes.
Jill's a devoted and caring mum
It's amazing how well she copes.
The children excel at music and sport
They are extremely bright kids,
Jack's laptop came along too
For urgent business bids.
Jack and Jill jetted off to the Maldives
For some quality time together
Relaxing and unwinding -
They could rely on the weather.
Well, that's all from us,
We're spending Christmas in Spain -
Looking forward to all your news
I'll write next year again.
p.s. Happy Christmas!
Thursday 1 December 2011
MEMORY
XCIV (B.94)
What an efficient computer
Is the human memory
And what a very good one
My model used to be.
It stored billions of memories
Cross linked to smell and sound
And in a fraction of a second
Information could be found.
I never forgot a name or face
Or an anniversary
And millions of useless details
Were stored in my memory.
But as the decades rolled past
I was dismayed to find
A fall off in performance
Of memory and mind.
My memories of the distant past
Are all still crystal clear
But my short term memory is becoming
Shorter by the year.
My hard disc must be nearly full -
It's well past the half century.
A new hard disc is what I need
But then - I would not be me.
There is a silver lining to this cloud
(And one can always be found)
I can enjoy the same book or film
Many, many times around!
June 1995 - and things haven't improved.
What an efficient computer
Is the human memory
And what a very good one
My model used to be.
It stored billions of memories
Cross linked to smell and sound
And in a fraction of a second
Information could be found.
I never forgot a name or face
Or an anniversary
And millions of useless details
Were stored in my memory.
But as the decades rolled past
I was dismayed to find
A fall off in performance
Of memory and mind.
My memories of the distant past
Are all still crystal clear
But my short term memory is becoming
Shorter by the year.
My hard disc must be nearly full -
It's well past the half century.
A new hard disc is what I need
But then - I would not be me.
There is a silver lining to this cloud
(And one can always be found)
I can enjoy the same book or film
Many, many times around!
June 1995 - and things haven't improved.
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