XCVII (97)
It's all your fault Prince Albert -
We have you to thank for this mess.
Our erstwhile green and shining fir tree
Can now be seen to possess ...
About half its original needles
And I know where the missing ones are:
Embedded in all the carpets,
In every room - and the car.
The English never liked Albert
Because of his Germanic roots,
They never fully appreciated
His many intellectual attributes.
Science and music were his interests,
But nobody cared about that,
So he inroduced the Christmas tree
In order to get his own back
Albert's revenge is still with us,
For as Christmas draws near
Houses are full of family,
Friends and seasonal cheer.
The average household is crowded
So what do people do?
Bring in a great big fir tree -
Some prickly holly boughs too.
The tree sits there - green and glossy
With fairy lights all aglow
But soon the warming effects of
Central heating start to show.
Every day the quantity
Of needle drop gets worse
And dogs and people help them
To spread and to disperse.
Even after twelfth night
It's not the end - I fear,
For weeks dead pine needles
Continue to appear.
To beat Prince Albert's curse
The only real remedy
Is to go and buy yourself
A needle-less, plastic pine tree.
December 2011
