CHRISTMAS AND THE SIEGE SYNDROME (115)

Christmas seems to bring out
The siege syndrome in us,
We shop and shop - and shop again
With aggro, stress and fuss.

Every shopping trolley,
Overflowing with food
Is steered by frantic housewives
And seems to include:

Enough food for an army
Or a third world family for a year;
At Christmas we make sure we have
Excessive festive cheer.

Dozens of loaves, tons of fruit,
Biscuits, sweets and cake,
Crates of coke and lemonade
Our Christmas thirst to slake.

Rivers of wine and spirits
Oceans of lager and beer,
Over the Christmas season
Running short is our fear.

We ate and drank - and drank and ate
All through Christmas day.
When I awoke next morning,
I found to my dismay ...

I had indigestion and a hangover,
In my head was an iron smelter.
There's still plenty of food and drink
But where is the Alka-Seltzer?

December 1990

The honest MP - 114

 

THE INCORRUPTIBLE  MP

 

We MPs are vital

Our country to uphold

Honest and incorruptible

For the whole world to behold.

                                                We are honourable members

 

I devote my entire life to

My country and constituencies

Surely I’m entitled to

Some small degree of ease.

                                                Within the law of course.

 

I had my house refurbished

Without financial pain,

Then I was able to flip homes

And do it all again.                  Everyone does it – can’t be wrong.

 

I rented out my luxury pad –

(The profits belong to me)

Now I need a place to live

So I rented another flat – free.

                                                It was legal – I did nothing wrong.

 

There is no reason to know

Any  Landlord’s name

My security could be at risk

And that would be a shame.

                                                My landlord is a friend – that’s o.k.

 

So though I have done nothing wrong,

Some people might not agree,

I’m grateful to the speaker

In his struggle for secrecy.

 

November 2012

The Big Issue Seller (113)

 

                                

 

                              The Big Issue Seller

 

It’s very satisfying

To lie tucked up in bed

While rain buffets the window

Inches from my head.

 

The seller of the Big Issue

I spoke to the other day

Was looking forward to winter shelters

So that he could stay …

 

Out of the cold and rain and wind

(Like most of us)

Instead of spending night after night

On a seat in an all-night bus.

 

Without dependents or addictions

It’s hard to get on a housing list.

It must be tempting to go and get

Completely stoned  and  … drunk.

 

 

October 2012

                                 

I LOVE MY LINES AND WRINKLES

 

 I love my lines and wrinkles,

They took decades to acquire.

They show wisdom and maturity -

To which we all aspire.

 

I regard them as trophies

Of good times and bad

When life was full of happiness  -

And when life was sad.

 

So why should anybody pay

An exorbitant amount

To try and airbrush out the past

As if it didn’t count?

 

Nip-and-tuck – face lift ..

These simple words can cover

Side effects from which it can

Take ages to recover.

 

And when folk keep staring,

They’re not admiring you

But wondering why you don’t look

As you used to do.

 

A tight expressionless face

When you’re 70-plus is bizarre,

So let us leave our lines and wrinkles

Just the way they are.

 

 

 

9.11.12

To J. – with love

 

 

BECAUSE I'M WORTH IT

BECAUSE  I’M WORTH  IT …  

Last week at the Dentist’s Surgery

I picked up a glossy beauty mag.

It told me what I should do

When I started to sag.

 

Don’t bother with diets and gyms, it said

Go straight for the surgeon’s knife

Your youthful looks will help you cope

With modern competitive life.

 

A simple face lift is so common

Everyone has one in this day.

It removes all lines and wrinkles –

The years just fall away.

 

Farewell drooping bosom;

Implants will enlarge and lift your bust,

Liposuction reduces spare tyres –

Well that’s an absolute must.

 

A botox jab may be toxic, but

Signs of age vanish without pain,

However, if the dose is wrong

You may never smile or frown again.

 

The whole works cost an arm and a leg

More than a luxury cruise,

But you know you are worth it,

So treat yourself, you can’t lose.

 

I’m solvent!  I’ve paid my debts

I’m beginning to forget all the pain,

So now I’m told to start saving

To do it again – and again.       September 2002

PEARS GALORE

We have an un-named pear tree,
We love its blossom and shade,
And fruit comes as a bonus
Once in each decade.
                                              This year we had a bumper crop.

The pears have a delicate flavour
i.e. no taste at all,
But my thrifty nature means
I must use them when they fall.
                                                 And we have a bumper crop.

Our pears supply a meal to
Many a type of grub,
There're the base of the food chain
A culinary hub,                         
                                                  And we have a bumper crop.

What can you do with
Hundreds of tasteless pears?
Even the starlings did not
Take their usual shares
                                                   Of our bumper crop.

The fridge and freezer are full of
Purees - chutney - pud.
I hope we never again have
A harvest so bountifully good
                                                   As this bumper crop of pears.

August 2012

OLD AGE IS NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED

                                                                     109

When I woke up this morning
I thought of all I had to do -
Meals to cook - dishes to wash
Hoovering and dusting too.

The garden needs attention
And I must mow the lawn.
My allotment is full of weeds -
Neglected and forlorn.

As I lay there worrying
About my long work list,
I remembered an appointment
That could not be missed.

I was due to call on a dear friend
And despite our difference in years
With kindred spirit friendships
The age gap completely disappears.

Our discussions used to range
Over every subject 'neath the sun
And we leapt with ease from one topic
To another one.

My friend is now physically frail,
But her mind is sharp as a pin,
So she knows all too well
The state that she is in.

She's aware of the need for a hoist
And sleeping in a bed with rails,
Waiting to be taken to the toilet -
And the problem that entails.

She hears the concealed impatience -
The patronising voice,
Rubbish TV runs constantly
But she has no choice.

So when I think of all the work
That is waiting for me,
I remind myself to be grateful
That I can drive and walk and see.

To B.N.
April 2012

THE SAT NAV

I have a lady sat nav,
Her voice is calm and low,
She navigates so accurately -
Tells me where to go.

As I approach a roundabout
I'm told which road to take -
There's no reproach if I go wrong
And make a silly mistake.
                                                    Re-calculating she says

"Turn left" she then says
But I forget and turn right -
There is no ranting and raving
She remains perfectly polite.
                                                     Re-calculating.

And if I were to take
A wrong route yet again
She'd put me right so patiently
No sign of stress or strain.
                                                     Re-calculating

My sat-nav lady is wonderful
In my hour of need
But I fear that soon I'll be
Unable to map read.

June 2012
                                                                             

APRON STRINGS 107

When your children are infants
The bond is very tight,
They're on your mind each moment
Of every day and night.

You wonder how you'll manage
When they are not there,
When they no longer need - or want
Advice - concern and care.

The apron strings must be undone
And I think it is a good rule
To give the knots their very first nudge
Before your child starts school.

At first progress is very slow
So many knots must be undone
By the time your child is eighteen
You should be down to one.

You must loose the final knot
To prepare them for flight
But they must part the final strands
When they feel the time is right.

The apron strings are parted now,
But I always will maintain
No matter how long the knots have been free
The creases will always remain.

1988
To J and C (with love)

WADIA HOUSE AND WATER

Life in India has its aggravations
And we in Wadia House have ours too
They may not be global disasters, but
Minor trials are major, when they're happening to you.

Our main problem is water
It fills almost every waking thought,
Will we have a good supply today,
Or will everyone go short?

Twice a day the anguished drama
Rises to a stressful peak.
Has municipal water started to flow
Or has the mains pipe sprung a leak?

Then there's our old water pump,
It's temperamental and tired.
Though our mechanic does his best,
His skills leave a lot to be desired.

At last we hear the welcome sound
But too soon it fades away
The silent suspense is electric ...
Will we have another waterless day?

Advice and recriminations
Issue loudly from every door,
But our man is a robust individual
And of insults he has a goodly store.

At last we all hear with relief
The familiar vibration and thump -
Celestial choirs couldn't sound as sweet
As our clanking, rattling, ancient water pump.

Dedicated to my Wadia House friends with whom I shared
the daily drama. 

1994

RAJ TO REPUBLIC 105

Life was complex in the days between
Republic  and Raj,
As "now" and "today" gradually merged
With "ubhi" and "aaj".

From Indian culture we held aloof
Though we could speak the local tongue
Despite generations India born
To Western ways we clung.

As Indianization and emigration
Proceeded apace,
Our numbers fell and we became
A rapidly vanishing race.

Not everyone left India
As soon as independence came
We stayed on - finished school -
And life went on the same.

India never lets her children go -
No matter where they roam,
When you return to the land of your birth
You know you have come home.


From an Anglo Indian point of view.

MY PERSONAL POLTERGEIST

                                                                           CIV
When I heard about poltergeists
It really made my day,
At last I knew why things vanished
In such a mysterious way.

I've been called untidy,
But now I realise
I wasn't to blame when items
Disappeared before my eyes.

So whenever I lose my purse
(Which happens regularly)
I blame the poltergeist for moving it -
And hiding my key.

Spectacles are prime targets,
And a favourite ploy
Is to return them when I've given up,
He knows how to annoy.

I have pens a-plenty
But in his malicious way
The poltergeist finds my favourite pen
And hides that one away.

I put something in a safe place
Or file it away with care
Then when I want it - it's vanished,
And I can't find it anywhere.

When the items eventually return -
And they nearly always do -
They're either in a a most peculiar place
Or sitting in full and open view.

When my husband says I've lost something
My conscience will be clear,
Instead of arguing I'll just say
"It was the poltergeist, my dear."

MOTHERS' DAY

                                                                        C111  (103)

Show your mother that you care -
All the adverts urge,
If you've neglected her all year
Your conscience it will purge.

Buy her flowers and chocolates
Take her out to dinner
Send a big and flowery card -
That should be a winner.

Buy a Blackberry or Kindle
Get some tickets for a show;
This is not the time to
Think of cost you know.

And once you have convinced her
You're a devoted offspring
You can forget all about her
Until Mothers' Day next Spring.

March 2012

PROBLEMS NEED PERSPECTIVE

                                                                     CII  (102)
I've just had a horrible week,
Everything that could go wrong - did.
I was 2 minutes over parking time
And it cost me thirty quid.

My car did not want to start
When it did a tyre was flat,
I saw a chip on the windscreen
Now what on earth what did that.

I slipped, twisted an ankle
And fell with a painful crash;
It was only sprain thank goodness,
Not a break or a smash.

Then we had a power cut
And when the lights came on
The telephone was not working -
All computer connections had gone.

The weather has been terrible,
Gales - sleet - snow and rain;
I felt really fed up
And started to complain ...

Then I thought of the Japanese
Their suffering - stoicism - restraint.
My problems are mere pinpricks
I'll not utter a word of complaint.

January 2012
First anniversary of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami.

BOMBAY - CITY OF CONTRASTS

                                                                      101

This is a tribute to Bombay
The city of my birth
A place of enormous contrasts.
Wealth and squalour - sorrow and mirth.

The rich live in luxury dwellings
With everything money can buy,
Marble floors - silks and jewels,
If they want it, no price is too high.

The poor live by the roadside,
Running water's the drain overflow,
They live and they die on the pavement,
There's nowhere else they can go.

It's a town of many contrasts,
Religions - colours - creeds
There is generosity - kindness
And corrupt and evil deeds.

Near squalid, rat-infested slums
Where mange dogs root around,
In small patches of tropical green
Birds and butterflies abound.

It's a chaotic, congested city,
But the sunshine seldom fails.
|It's a measure of our tolerance
That peace nearly always prevails.


January 29th 1988

IT'S GOOD TO TALK and TALK and TALK

                                                                100
Some people cannot live without
Their personal mobile phone
A chattering companion
So that they're never alone.

They carry their phones everywhere
In case someone should call,
Or stand there - like Thisby -
Talking to a wall.

Even the rising cost of calls
Does not seem to deter
A compulsive conversationalist
Or true entrepreneur.

They ring in buses, trains and tubes
And I've heard their warbling call
Above the sound of an orchestra
In the Royal Albert Hall.

For many modern drivers
It is now de rigeur
To phone while they are driving -
Goodness knows how they change gear.

But the worst telephone-driver
Was a man I saw the other day
Exceeding the legal speed limit
In the usual M25 way.

His left hand held a telephone
His right lay on the steering wheel
From which he regularly lifted it
To emphasize or appeal -

Pointing and gesticulating
To his listener - unseen -
While driving somewhat erratically
On the highway of the Queen.

I've never had a car phone,
They're useful, I'm sure
And if I saw any dangerous driving
I could  always telephone the law.


July 1997

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SMOOTH YOUNG FACE...?

                                                                            XCIX

What happened to the smooth young face
That I used to see?
An older well-worn countenance
Now gazes back at me.

What happened to those youthful
Sparkling bright young eyes?
They're now fine-webbed with sunray lines -
Perhaps they are more wise.

Where is the alabaster brow
Untrammelled - free from care?
The marble is much older now
With cracks showing here and there.

What happened to the dimples
That dented in each cheek?
Where is the glossy nut brown hair
Shinning, thick and sleek?

I never will see them again
But it might help a bit
If I moved my mirror as far from the light
As the size of the room will permit.

June 1988

To me

THE PEDANT'S LAMENT

                                              XCVIII  (98)

As I get older I become
More annoyed and aggravated
By the Americanisms and bad grammar
That have been created.

When you ask: "How are you",
People reply: "I'm good"
Their morals are not my concern,
Could I say that? Wish I could.

"Like" instead of "as if"
Has been around so long,
Many people do not even
Realise that it is wrong.

Putting others first
Is a relic of time gone by,
So you hear "Me and my friends"
Instead of "My friends and I".

Extra words are added:
"Get off of" and "for free"
"You know" - "like" - "I mean" -
All quite unnecessary.

"I was sat there" is claimed to be
West country dialect;
Another way in which our lovely
Language has been wrecked.

And then we have
The wayward apostrophe.
Put in where it's not needed
And left out where it should be.

Some say that grammar doesn't matter -
Speech is just to communicate,
There's a word for this dumbing down
And the word is "mutilate"


13.12.2009.